Pizza Crunch - An Answer to a Question Nobody Asked

Scotland has a complicated relationship with food. They've given the world haggis, Gordon Ramsey, and Scotch whisky, so it's hard to really classify their national contribution to cuisine in terms of friend or foe. But as a culture with a legendary reputation (deserved or not) for 1) enjoying a wee dram, and 2) being willing to eat just about anything, I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that one of the world's greatest "I'd have to be super-drunk to eat that" foods, the so-called Pizza Crunch, is popular in the UK's hat. 

In the video we bring to you today, we see the process of making a Pizza Crunch from start to finish, and unless you already have a cocktail or two under your belt, it's unsettling. It begins with removing a small, frozen pizza (in this case, apparently plain cheese) from the freezer, and without even taking it out of the plastic bag, portioning it into two halves. 
Dude, seriously. I know it's a crappy Zyliss serrated knife, but STOP CUTTING ISHT DIRECTLY ON THE STAINLESS COOLER TOP YOU JACKASS! I WILL MAKE YOU BUY ME A NEW ONE, LIAM!

From there, the halves get dipped by hand (it's fine - just dunk your bare hand, with which you just opened the freezer door, right on into that unrefrigerated pan), then lazily tossed into the fryer.

Yep, better check that timer there chief... Wouldn't want to under- or -overcook those bad boys...

After their bath in hot oil, the greasy half-moons are sentenced to an indeterminate stay in heat lamp purgatory, until someone with just enough blood in their alcohol system comes in and orders one up. Now, considering how quick the prep is on this, you would think that even the most impatient drunk would be willing to wait a minute or two for a "hot and fresh" Pizza Crunch instead of one that has languished in the warmer for who knows how long, but not being Scottish myself, I can't say whether or not letting the batter get soggy from the moisture that steam-cooked the frozen pizza inside is how they're supposed to be made.
Oh, so we have tongs after all!

Eventually, our fry guy paroles a serving from the display case, puts it in a styrofoam clamshell, and soaks it in vinegar and a quarter-cup of salt. Then, finally, in what can only be described as a serious order of operations error, he uses a pizza wheel to section it into slices, along with the bottom of the takeout container to ensure whatever is left over from the half-pint of vinegar that didn't soak in has some way to escape.
Couldn't have done that before you boxed it up?

It's safe to say that very few people who are reading this have ever actually tried authentic Scottish Pizza Crunch. But I think that we all know what vinegar, salt, frozen pizza, and fried batter taste like, so don't feel bad about being all judgy about this. But hey - at least they didn't put pineapple on it...

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